Toes, Dates, and Never Getting to Fornicate
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: Nudge has a date! The only problem? Max and Fang have to go along to chaperon and also invite Iggy and Ella. Can you say disaster? - Post-Nevermore One-shot.


Toes, Dates, and Never Getting to Fornicate

"Hey, Max and Fang. I come bearing a proposition for the two of- What are you doing?"

"You could try knocking," Max complained. "Rude."

Fang didn't look up from Max's foot, which was in his lap, as he used a pair of toenail clippers to… What was he doing?

"Uh, Fang?"

"I'm trying to get her ingrown toenail," he told Nudge while Max responded with a girlish squeal when Fang did something. "And…that was totally skin. You're bleeding a little, babe."

"You're horrible."

'I'm helping, Max. You could just, you know, go through the pain of an ingrown toenail."

"Well," Nudge said slowly. "Can the two of you stop being weird for a moment and pay attention to me?"

"We're not being weird," Fang told her to which Max nodded.

"This is a normal couple thing."

"No," Nudge told them. "If I ever did this with a boyfriend, I think I would promptly break up with that boyfriend."

"You're just not as close as us."

"Yeah," Fang agreed. "This is probably one of the more mild things we've done."

"I've popped a pimple on his back for him before," Max said.

"Ew. Shut up, shut up. Never mind, I don't care. Do your weird stuff alone. Just leave me out of it."

"Then get out of our hut." Fang finally did something right as he finally got the nail out, though Max let out a loud yell, no doubt in pain.

"Fang."

"I got it though."

"It hurt."

Nudge about barfed as he leaned down and kissed her big toe.

"All better?"

"Stop being weird!" Nudge huffed then as they both looked over at her. "Is this what you guys do when you're alone?"

"Well," Max began slowly, thinking. "This, fight, or sleep."

"And sometimes we have really, really dirty sex."

That got Fang kicked before Max finally with drew her feet from his lap. Nudge looked sick at that point and honestly, Max just wanted to go ahead and get her gone.

"What did you want, Nudge?" she asked as she moved to look down at her own big toe, frowning when she saw all the damage Fang had caused to it. "Because-"

"You know how the two of you flipped out on me the last time I tried to have a date on the island?"

"You tried to sleep with a guy that you hardly knew," Max said.

"You have sex with Fang and you know next to nothing about him."

"I know everything about him."

"What's his favorite color?"

"Black."

Fang made a tsk noise then, causing Max to look over at him.

"Sorry, babe. It's red. It's always been red. You should know that."

She gave him a long look. "What are you referring to?"

"Don't use big words on me. I don't know what referring means."

"You do not like red."

"I love red. I've always loved red. I hate black and brown and bl- yellow. I hate yellow."

"You better shut up, Fang."

"I-"

"Stop flirting!" Nudge literally stomped her foot then causing them both to look up at her. "Seriously."

"We're just playing." Fang literally launched himself from the other side of the hut at Max then, tackling her to the ground. Then he rubbed his face into her neck, causing her to lash out and try to shove him off.

"Fang-"

"What is wrong with you guys? Are you, like, drunk or something?"

"Drunk on love," Max said as she finally shoved her boyfriend off, who just resorted to rolling onto his back and staring up at he ceiling.

"On lust. We're going to be fucking in the next five minutes," Fang warned. "So unless you're into voyeurism-"

"What's that?"

"Fang," Max complained, making a face at him. Since they had come to the island and were given a chance to finally, finally relax, he had become more…loving at times. Friendly. Especially when they were alone in their hut. It was almost like he would be a completely different person in those moments.

"What do you want us to do, Nudge?" he asked finally as he laid there, arms stretched out, on the floor of the hut. "Because right now, I'm not really feeling like doing anything."

"Other than flirt in weird ways with Max."

"I'm always in the mood for that."

"Except when your bloated," Max added to which he nodded.

"Or constipated."

"Or that."

"Okay, stop talking for a moment and let me talk," Nudge said then, standing there with her hands on her hips while staring down at them. Fang just kept looking at the ceiling though, hoping Nudge left soon so he could strip down to his boxers and take a nap. It was freaking hot.

"Go ahead," Max sighed.

"So I want to go on this date with this guy and I know that the two of you are so weirdly protective-"

"We're saving you from getting raped in the ass, Nudge."

"Fang, no more cursing. Or talking about her getting raped."

Again, Nude paused before saying, "So I thought that the two of you would like to go on a double date with me and-"

"Meh."

"Max and I don't really 'date', parse," Fang told her then. "We just kind of eat dinner together and then come back here to dig out ingrown toenails and have sex."

"That's actually a pretty good date night for us, considering," Max agreed. "I mean, once Fang caught me some fish and didn't cook it right and we both spent the night with diarrhea."

"That was pretty good though, I thought." Fang patted his chest. "I lost five pounds."

"Lucky."

Nudge about barfed again. Seriously. She felt a dry heave working into her throat.

"So will you guys or not?" Nudge asked. "It's tonight at sundown. By the waterfall? You know?"

"Are you guys providing dinner?" Fang asked.

"Yes."

"Then we'll be there with bells on," Max assured her.

"And one other thing. Don't act like this when you show up."

"We make no promises," Fang warned.

"We're being quirky," Max told her.

"Yeah, well, just don't alright?" Nudge turned to leave then, but Max called out for her.

"One thing though, Nudge."

"What?"

Max told her then, "Ella and Iggy have to go."

"What? Max, no. They are the worst couple ever. They're always fighting or making out or just being all our rude to everyone else. I-"

"Fang and I promised to have dinner with them tonight."

"Why would you do that?"

"Why did we do that, Max?" Fang asked, glancing at her.

"Because Iggy was going to make us dinner. Now though that Nudge and her date are, I'll just tell Iggy and Ella to meet us at the waterfall."

"Max, why can't you just eat with them another day?"

"Because, Nudge, I said so. That's why."

"Now get out of our hut." Fang ran a hand down his chest. "I'm horny."

With one last look of disgust, Nudge scurried off, leaving them alone once again.

"We are not having sex," Max told Fang flat while he just closed his eyes.

"I know," he said. "I just really had to fart."

Max made a face then, as the smell hit her. Shifting away from her to the other side of the hut, she said, "You know, I think we are a little bit too close."

"Nah." Fang moved to start undressing then, for his nap. "We're just getting started, babe."

* * *

"You're such a little whore."

"Oh, I'm a whore? I'm the whore? Really?"

"Glad you can admit it."

"You're the one that's constantly looking to have your stupid cocked sucked."

"That's called being a man. What you do? That's being a whore."

"That is so sexiest. Isn't that sexiest, Max?"

"It is not. Fang, tell her that she's a whore."

Max and Fang just sat there next to each other, staring blankly at the waterfall in front of them. Elbowing Max gently, Fang whispered, "Why was this a good idea again?"

"I thought they were making us dinner," she hissed back to him in a soft tone. "If only Nudge would hurry the heck up and get her so we can get this all over with."

"Why don't you tell then about how you basically wanted gay sex, Iggy."

"I asked you for anal! That is not gay. That is just like normal sex."

"That is not like normal sex," Ella fumed. "I bet Max doesn't have anal sex."

"I bet she does."

"I bet she doesn't and I bet that Fang doesn't even want to stick his dick up there!"

"Yeah, because I bet Max isn't a little whore that's so lose the only place to fuck and get any feeling is her ass!"

Again, Max and Fang were left staring at the waterfall, which was suddenly very, very interesting.

"Think if we both dove into the water and swam away, they'd just let us go."

"I'm afraid if we leave that they'll kill one another," Max told him softly. "Swimming does sound nice though."

"Skinny dipping sounds better."

"It does," Max agreed softly. "Maybe if you're good during dinner."

"Maybe if you're good during dinner," he corrected. "I mean, you're the one that wants my body. Not the other way around."

"Oh, bull."

"I told you, Max, that I like red."

"Fang-"

"Fuck you then, Iggy." Ella's screaming interrupted. "God, I don't even know why we're together."

"We're together because I'm scared if I break up with you crazy ass, you'll burn my hot down and kill me!"

"If I wanted to kill you, I would take you out for a walk and lead you off a cliff."

"That's racist!"

"No! That's a slight against you being disabled, stupid."

"That's even worse."

"It is not!"

"Kill me," Fang told Max simply. "Kill me now."

"I hope we never get like that."

"We won't," he assured her. "We actually love one another, you know? We'll never be like that."

"You're saying they don't love each other?"

"They love fighting and drama." Fang grinned at her then, softly. "We just like hanging out with each other."

"Sometimes," she agreed with a sigh as she leaned into his arm. "Other times, I wish that you would choke and die."

"Not when I'm digging into your toe for that hangnail, you're not."

"I love you in those times. Except my toe is still pretty sore."

"Want me to suck it?"

That got her to lift her head and glance at him. "Would you?"

"I dunno," he admitted. "Could we bathe first?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Do you think you'd…like it?"

"I don't think it'd be very sexual, no."

"It's supposed to be."

"Yeah, well."

"Would you…suck my toe? Or something?"

"What would or something imply?"

He gave her a look. "I think you know."

"Then no, not or something. And your feet are kinda weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah, they're really boney. And your toes are kind of long."

"I just have big feet," he defended. "They are perfectly proportional with the rest of my foot."

"I dunoo, Fang. Your toes are kind of creepy. Like a skeleton with skin."

"Uh, Max, everyone is just a skeleton with skin."

"Yeah, but your more skeletal than a normal person."

"I think you're full of it."

"I think you just don't know how weird your body is."

"My whole body? Now it's my whole body?"

"Yep."

"Well, that's just crazy. I have it on good authority that I have a very sexy body."

"On whose authority?"

"Why yours of course, dear."

"Better be me." She poked his side. "Inspecting your body and what not."

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

It was then that Nudge showed up, toting some teenage boy along with her. Fang gave him a once over before rolling his eyes. Just Nudge's type. A bumbling dope with no hopes at a future.

…God, he sounded really old sometimes. Especially considering none of them had any hope of a future. And suddenly life just got a lot more depressing…

"Max, Fang…and Iggy and Ella," Nudge said, her excitement dropping significantly there at the end. "This is Damien. Damien this is Max and Fang…and Iggy and Ella."

Iggy made a face then, stopping his fight with Ella momentarily. "I am not liking the way you're saying our names, Nudge."

"Yeah, well."

"That is not a yeah well moment, Nudge."

"It kind of is, Ig," Max told him softly as she and Fang finally turned their attention away from the waterfall and back to the task at hand, i.e. dealing with Nudge, her date, and Max's doofus sister and Iggy.

"Why don't you shut up, Max?"

"Excuse me?"

"See, Max? I told you that's his completely disrespectful and-"

"I don't care what you and Ella are doing, Iggy," Max said, cutting her sister right off. "I am still your leader and will gladly kick you right off this island."

Fang groaned slightly then. "Ig, just drop it, okay?"

"You always do that," Iggy accused then, unaware of the glares Nudge was sending him or her date, who was rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "You always take her side."

"Duh. It's called taking the winning side," Max told him, leaning more into Fang then. "Idiot."

"Why don't you-"

"Would you all shut up?" Nudge yelled at them then. "God."

"Excuse me, Nudge, but we're here for your stupid benefit," Ella said.

"For real," Iggy agreed. "I know she didn't just tell us to shut up. Like, do you know how annoying you were the first, oh, thirteen years of your life?"

"I didn't even want the two of you here," Nudge fumed at Ella and her boyfriend. "Seriously. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the two of you. Max was just trying to be nice. Not even nice! She just wanted to get the food Iggy was going to make. That's it. So if you're so freaking offended, take the hell off and leave me alone!"

Ella let out a scoffing noise then while Iggy threw his hands up in the air.

"Is this true, Fang? You and your girlfriend were just using us?" Iggy huffed. "Honestly?"

Fang blinked. Then he glanced at Max. "I think they've been drinking."

Max just groaned, snuggling even more into Fang. "Make them go away."

"You guys just can't take my happiness, can you?" Nudge glared at them all while Fang just rolled his eyes. He still wasn't sure what he and Max had done wrong. At all.

"When it causes you to be a bitch? No. We-"

"Ella," Max sighed. "Calm down. And Nudge, did you bring dinner or not?"

That was when the guy she had brought with her, Damien, spoke up, moving to take his backpack off his shoulders.

"Yeah. We've got some fruit."

"Fruit?" Fang mumbled to Max. "This ain't lunch. I was promised meat."

She just patted his arm. "I'll catch us a bunny before bed tonight, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Oh, Fang."

They did bring enough fruit though, or so they found out when the teen unzipped his backpack and dumped it all out. Iggy though, upset by the rudeness, refused to skin any of it for any of them. So Fang went ahead and pulled out his trusty pocket knife and went to work on his and Max's fruit.

"Don't cut yourself."

"Max, why would you say that?" he asked. "Why would I cut myself? I never cut myself. Now that you've jinxed me though-"

"I was just saying, Fang. I don't want you to cut yourself."

"Why would I cut myself though?"

"Because you're using a stupid knife, Fang. Knife's are sharp."

"You treat me like a baby."

"You don't want to be my baby?"

"No, I don't want to be your baby. Or anyone's baby. I'm a man."

"Men can get cut."

"I'm invincible."

"You're still mortal. You could get a cut and it could get infected and then you could die and I would basically have to shack up with Dylan to drown out my sorrows."

"…Here, Max you can cut the fruit."

"You'd rather me get cut?"

"Yeah, I would. I'd rather you get infected and die so that I could shack up with someone else and drown out my sorrows. It sounds like a pretty promising- Max! That's sharp!"

She had taken the pocket knife and swung at his face, almost nicking his eye. "Good."

Fang shifted away from her, frowning. "I was trying to be nice."

"By saying that?"

"No, of course not," he said. "By trying to cut up your fruit for you. That's what nice people do."

"I just didn't want you to cut yourself."

"Well, I wasn't going to. So can I have my knife back?"

"Fine. He- Fang!"

As if to prove some kind of sadistic (er, masochistic) point, Fang purposely ran the blade of his own palm, slicing open the rough flesh.

"See?" He held it out to Max. "It's just-"

"Oh, my God, Iggy, he just freaking cut himself. I told you. I told you that he's, like, some kind of satanic devil worshipping-"

"Fang!" Nudge cut Ella off while Max turned her glare onto her sister. "You said you wouldn't do anything weird. God, do you and Max normally do this kind of stuff? Huh? Huh? That's sick. You-"

"Calm down," Damien told Nudge, but she just picked up the apple in her hand and threw it at Fang's head.

"Hey!" He dodged it before looking back at his girlfriend. "I was just proving a point is all."

"A very stupid point." Max moved to grab his wrist then before standing up, forcing him to do the same. They closed the distance over to lake rather quickly. "Let me wash it out."

"No, Max, that-"

"I have to. God, Fang, you cut all sorts of stuff up with that pocket knife. You're lucky I don't haul your butt down to Mom and have her rinse it out with alcohol."

"I would prefer that."

"Not that kind of alcohol, dummy."

"You're treating me like a baby again."

"You're acting like a baby."

Nudge, now officially mortified, looked to Damien, who had gone back to peeling his banana.

"I am so sorry," she said in earnest. "Honestly. I just-"

"For what?"

"For…them," she said, gesturing to Iggy and Ella, who were bickering then about rather this now classified Fang as 'emo' or rather that was just a made up term to begin with, as well as Max and Fang, who were still by the water, now splashing one another with it. Nudge knew it would only be a matter of time before- Nope. There. Max threw him in the water. Sigh.

The teen just shrugged before looking back down at his banana. "They're okay. Except the loud one."

"Ella."

"Yeah. She's kind of a bitch."

"I can freaking hear you," Ella yelled over at them then while Iggy just snickered. Max and Fang were of course lost to the world by that point as Fang had pulled her into the water and they were pretty much about to probably fuck, but Nudge wasn't too sure. The thought alone was enough to make a normal person lose their appetite.

Good thing Nudge wasn't a normal person.

"They're ruining our dinner," Nudge complained as Ella turned her anger onto her boyfriend for laughing.

"It's okay," her date responded as he turned to watch Max, who was portrayed to most everyone as a fearless leader, have her head held under the water by her boyfriend. "Are they-"

"She has gills."

"That's disgusting."

"Yeah, well."

"Now that," Iggy intervened as he stood up, "is a yeah well moment. And this is a closing sentence. Fuck you guys. I'm out."

"Well, that's pretty vulgar," Damien said flatly as Max yelled from the water something about language, though Fang quickly pulled her back under the water. It would be a few more minutes before either of them came up for air again.

"I hate you, Iggy," Ella yelled after him then before she took off to follow him, while Nudge stared miserably down at her pile of fruit.

She should have just lied to Max and Fang and never told them that she had a date. But no, being the good girl that she is, she tired to follow the guidelines that they set out and now look where it got her; Iggy and Ella were basically making a big scene out of nothing like usual and Max and Fang were either dead under the water or having sex, both of which were very horrible situations. Honestly, she had heard about how bad it is for women to have sex in water. She figured she would go ahead and tell Max all about that, considering her and Fang were apparently, you know, _fucking_ on their triple (now double) date.

It was then though that Max and Fang came up from the water. Fang's bloody had had gotten the clear water to change in places as his blood intermingled with it, but they were both laughing. Or, well, Max was giggling and Fang had that mischievous look on his face that he always did when he was alone with Max. The only problem?

"We're on a date," Nudge yelled at them, to which Fang responded with giving her the finger. That immediately made Max jump him again and pull him right back under the water. On the bright side however, at least Nudge knew they weren't having sex.

Yet.

"Let 'em be," her date told her then as he moved to grab a mango out of the pile. Then he grinned at her and Nudge completely forgot the fact that her two technical guardians were doing the most disgusting kind of flirting at the moment only a few feet away. "So that we can be."

That was right. That was totally right! Now that Iggy and Ella had both, for the foreseeable future at least, vanished and Max and Fang were…doing whatever Mad and Fang were doing, that basically meant that Nudge got to be alone. With Damien. Damien!

And suddenly, that date didn't seem so bad.

* * *

"We should go back to our hut."

Fang grunted, not turning to look at Max as he laid out on the dirt and grass, unconcerned with whatever the heck was crawling up his arm. Bugs didn't phase him. After all, he was immortal.

…Sort of.

"It's getting late."

"We're drying out."

"The sun has gone down."

"I have faith in the moon."

"Oh, Fang."

"And aren't you supposed to be catching me a freaking rabbit or something?"

Max glanced at him from her spot on the ground, where they had both been laying since they finally got out of the lake. "I thought I was enough."

"Hardly. I was promised dinner and-"

"Dang it. You know what we forgot about?"

"Feeding Fang?"

"No," his girlfriend said with an eye roll. "We were supposed to be watching Nudge and her date."

"They seemed fine."

"That's my exact point. When did they even leave anyways? And where did they go?"

"I assume that their date ended."

"How exactly did their date end though, Fang?"

"Why would I know that? I was holding you underwater at the time, babe."

"Think about how all our dates end."

"You bloated and claiming you're too tired to do anything while I have to go find you some pills for your stomach?"

"…Think about how all Iggy and Ella's dates end."

"You're right." He sat up with a bolt. "Where did they go off to anyways?"

"Probably to murder each other. I don't know. Fang, that's not the point!"

"I know that." He stood then before reaching down to help pull his girlfriend up. Their wet clothes clung to their bodies and would no doubt cause chaffing at some point, but neither of them were too worried about that at that very second. "Nudge is out here somewhere with that…boy."

"I know."

"I mean, God, he wasn't even that attractive."

"Well, I wouldn't say that."

Fang pulled his shirt over his head, more for comfort than anything else. Extending his wings then, he shook slightly, as they were starting to feel cramped. Max opened her own then, though she kept her shirt on for understandable reasons.

"He wasn't. He had total baby fat."

"I thought I saw abs."

"He was wearing a shirt."

"A very clingy shirt."

"How hard were you looking at this guy, Max?"

"Just hard enough to be able to, you know, pick him out of the crowd, should I need to. For Nudge's sake and all."

"Uh-huh."

"You know that you're the only one for me."

"So I've been told."

Max retracted her wings then, yawning slightly. "I'm kinda sleepy."

"I'm kinda hungry for my freaking rabbit, Max."

"Don't yell at me. Besides, we have to locate Nudge first."

He growled slightly. "Fine. But if I see a damn rabbit while we're looking, I am eating it. I don't care how I have to catch it or if I have to eat it raw."

She patted his arm. "You're starting to sound a tad deranged, dear."

"I don't care."

And so they set off in search of the teen girl, Max worried about what kind of mischief she had been able to get into, Fang more concerned at that point with the fact Max still hadn't delivered on her promise.

Their search was halted eventually though, when they finally found Nudge, right where she was supposed to be, in her hut with Angel, sleeping. Well then. Max just stood in the entrance to the hut for a few moments before shaking her head and heading over to Fang, who was standing in the entrance to Iggy and the Gasman's hut.

"Nudge is there."

"Iggy's gone."

"Yeah, well, Iggy can suck it. Yell at me like that." Max smiled at Fang then while he just kept staring at her. "Now we can-"

"Now you can go get my freaking rabbit."

"-stop worrying about Nudge as much. I mean, she's clearly matured, right? Right? I mean, she didn't sleep with that guy."

"Why do you say that? They're only, like, fourteen. If they had sex, it'd last like half a minute."

"Pretty close to your time, babe."

He ignored the jab. "She'd have already been in her hut by that time."

"Yeah, but," Max began as they continued down the beach then, headed towards their own hut. "I know Nudge."

"You know Nudge."

"Yeah, and she would have waited up to tell me."

"Did you tell her the first time that we-"

"Why, Fang, how rude of you to assume that you were my first."

He chased her then, all the way back to their hut, where they both eventually collapsed on their pallet, Max giggling and Fang just rubbing his head into her neck, nuzzling her almost.

"Hey," she whispered after awhile, moving to grab one of his wrists.

"Hey."

"You're cut's bleeding again."

"Lick it."

She gave him a look for that one, but he just smiled before moving to kiss her head.

"Stop," she complained. "My stomach is kind of upset. I think it was that fruit. I-"

"Max," he complained, rolling off her. "You didn't even eat the fruit. Remember?"

"Well…I'm tired and-"

Groaning, he sat up then before going to get a nice, new, clean shirt. "Well, g'night."

"Where are you going?"

"Besides to jerk off?"

"Fang-"

"I'm hungry," he cut her off. "I'm going to catch a damn squirrel or something. Something good. Not fruit."

"Mmmm. Bring me back some."

"Wouldn't want to hurt your stomach," he taunted as he pulled his wet jeans and boxers off before pulling on some more. "It's so delicate and all."

"Fang-"

"You know I'll bring you something. God, you're so whiny."

She sat up slightly then, watching him as he started to leave. "Hey, it's not you, okay?"

"What's not me?"

"I'm just…tired, alright?"

"Yeah," he said, heading out of the hut. Besides, who actually had sex with their girlfriend's anymore other than Iggy anymore? And from what Fang had heard, he wasn't the only one Ella was sleeping with either. Fang would take faithful and not horny over promiscuous and bratty any day. "I know. Goodnight."

"Love you."

"You too."

* * *

**Who loves my title? Yeah, you know you do. But anyways, I just realized this is, like, my first summer ever where I didn't have a Maximum Ride story going. I mean, last summer was Catch and Release/Awake, before that was that stupid Rebuild sequel, before that was all my Change-Eternity stuff and then Life with Max and Fang (Bleh). It actually seems kind of fitting, as I kind of graduated this year, and kind of want to filter Maximum Ride out of my writing and get started on my own stuff. Before that though, I really want to write one more serious Maximum Ride story. But…I'm out of ideas. So…as much as I hate to say it, I might only be onto oneshots and stupid, mini-stories like Spy Games and Daddy test. I don't know. I mean, would it really be a bad thing to go out on Catch and Release? I really liked that one. But we'll see, I guess. **


End file.
